Hannah Holmes Journals

After I socialize for an extended period, which means three hours or more -- three hours seems to be my breaking point -- I shut down. I have this overwhelming urge to sit alone in a dark room and stare at a wall. Not because staring at a wall is enjoyable but because I do not feel capable of doing anything else.

I start to wish I had a "pause" button. That I could take a quick break from, well, everything. I feel anxious, but about what? I am not sure. I feel sad, too. But about what? I am not sure about that, either.

I feel anxious and sad and like I need to hit "pause" on existing. Even existing feels like too much.

I wonder if this is a strange way to feel or if it is fairly common for introverts. I think you could describe it as a socialization hangover. People who drink alcohol need to know their limits. How much they can drink without feeling like complete shit later. Perhaps introverts need to know our limits, too. How much can we socialize before we start to dissociate or have some other kind of mental health breakdown?

Even staring at the computer screen and pondering what to type next feels like a tremendous burden.

There are things I need to take care of. I have prescription medications to take and appointments to make. I need to prep lunches, clothes, and socks for my kids' school day tomorrow so that the morning get-ready rush is as bearable as possible. (Mornings can be hard.)

I have many things to do, but I am so tired. My mind is moving slowly, heavily through a fog.

I think I'll go stare at a wall.